Plastic In the Afterlife

WTF?!? Dolphins Don't Like Raves!

Two dolphins died at the Swiss marine park Connyland after a two-day rave was held just yards from the dolphin's pool.  Evidently dolphins don't like house music.  Not only were these poor dolphins subjected to noise levels measured at 100 decibels (equivalent to "a pneumatic drill on top volume"), but there is a possibility that some of the ravers may have put some elicit drugs in their pool.  I guess they thought the dolphins would have a nice "trip", but the only trip they got was to dolphin heaven. 

It turns out that since 2003, Connyland had 24 out of 36 dolphins either go belly-up or their fate is "unknown".  Unknown?  Better check out the tuna canning plant down the street on those ones.The two most recent deaths of the dolphins Shadow and Chelmers are the seventh and eighth dolphins to go to Davey Jones' locker at Connyland in the past three years.

If you're interested, sign this petition from Change.org to close down Connyland.  Oh, and put away your pacifiers and glow sticks---all future raves at Connyland have been postponed indefinitely. 

The Word "Muslim" is a "metaphor for racism"?

Amid a "firestorm" of controversy, President Obama finally released the long form version of his birth certificate, proving that he is---gasp!---in fact, an American citizen!  Dumbass attention hog Donald Trump trumpeted his self-gratification and pride at having "accomplished something nobody else has accomplished...I am really honored to have played such a big role in hopefully getting rid of this issue."  You the fuckin' man.  Please, please, please run for president---the GOP needs you!

In a recent Associated Press article, Charles Babington cited a new New York Times-ABC News poll in which 2/3 of adult Republicans "either embrace or are open to" the false claim that Obama is a foreigner.   ABC News pollster Gary Langer thinks that the real reason some people polled claimed that they believed in the birther issue is because "Some people who strongly oppose a person...will take virtually any opportunity to express that antipathy."  I do see what Langer is saying.  I know some people who don't like Obama, not only for his politics, but also because the man himself makes them uncomfortable, as if having a man of color in the highest public office in the nation makes some white people feel as if they're "losing ground" and need to regain this ground at any cost. 

 In a roundtable discussion Easter Sunday on This Week, ABC reporter Cokie Roberts and a team of panelists had, what I like to call "A Jerry McGuire Moment"---that is, they said what many people think, but do not have the balls to say, because once you say it, you get neutered.  So, what was their "Jerry McGuire Moment"?  It was that people's objection to Obama is often times a reflection of deep-seeded or even just-under-the-surface racism and xenophobia.  Panelist Steven Roberts said during the discussion that: "The word Muslim is a code word, and it's a metaphor. It's a metaphor for racism. It's a metaphor for he's different from us, he's not like us, he's got this funny name, which he says all the time. And it is - and he's an alien on some level...there has always been a strain of America that wants to exclude the other. Exclude someone who's different..."  Cokie Roberts added: "But...the bad part about this is that...it's acceptable to say that he's a Muslim...because the same people won't - won't say, 'I don't like him cause he's black.' " 

Now pause a second to listen for the gasps and outcries of shock and admonition.  Then wait a bit longer for the predictable network reproaches and apologies, accompanied by statements of remorse by the panelists in question.  Finally, take a step back and take a look at yourself and think about the people you've encountered in your life.  Think about all of the times you yourself have held a bias against someone because of some perceived or real difference.  Maybe you or people around you teased someone in your school days because that person was obese, very tall, very short, too white, too dark, had a speech impediment, wore the wrong clothes, had a strange name, was very poor or rich, etc.  People are devisive.  People take note of differences, and some people are uncomfortable with those who are not like them.  Being able to tell the difference between things and people is a necessary survival skill, like knowing to eat those berries, but not those other berries because they're poisonous.  But being that we are endowed with the ability to "reason", the perception of those differences between people can be skewed to fit that person's perception of the world.  As they say, "perception is reality".

So, let's not get all huffy-puffy about what was said in the program "This Week".  This birther issue, along with the Christian-or-Muslim issue, are just a reflection of the larger issue of fear/hate of "the other".  Noel Sheppard, who writes for "Newsbusters" (whose byline reads: "Exposing and Combating Liberal Media Bias"), wrote in response to the "This Week" discussion: "Calling Americans racist, despite there being an African-American in the White House, is acceptable on Easter Sunday.  I doubt I'm the only one that felt this was highly inappropriate on such a holy day."  Some play "the race card", some play the "religious holier-than-thou card"---I prefer to throw down the "truth hurts card".  No, not that all Americans are racist---that wasn't what they were saying.  But, having watched enough videos from the 2008 election in which people at McCain-Palin rallies spewed racist and xenophobic slurs about Obama, and having seen videos of Tea Party rallies where like comments were also in abundance, in addition to national polls (such as the aforementioned one) which reveal pervasive and persistent adherence to falsehoods, even in the clear light of the truth, it is then accurate to say that some Americans are, in fact, afraid of those who are not like them, and sometimes for those Americans, it goes far beyond simple politics.

 

Even Rats Leave a Sinking Ship...

As countries across the Middle East explode in protest against existing regimes, we are sure to see some strange political moves and countermoves over the next few months and years.  Libya is the latest Middle Eastern nation to be rocked by the tidal wave of political unrest, and in that wave, some of Qaddafi's former political supporters are jumping ship, leaving the captain to go down with the vessel.

Libya's deputy U.N. ambassador, Ibrahim O. Dabbashi, along with a dozen other Libyan U.N. colleagues denounced and disowned Colonel Qaddafi's regime, which has reigned over Libya for over 40 years. Dabbashi called for a "no-fly zone" to be established over Libya to prevent military aid to be flown into Libya to assist Qaddafi in his quest to crush protests.  Dabbashi also called for the International Crimes Court at the Hague to investigate Colonel Qaddafi for “crimes against humanity and crimes of war”, in addition to requesting that other nations not offer him a safe haven. 

However, Dabbashi and colleagues such as Libya's U.S. Ambassador Ali Aujali refused to resign, as did other Libyan regime members, opting instead to retain their positions.  Dabbashi said he and his U.N. colleagues "were not resigning because they served the people of Libya and not the regime."  He further added that,"This is in fact a declaration of war against the Libyan people...The regime of Gadhafi has already started the genocide against the Libyan people."  Ambassador Aujali explained to the Associated Press "that he was not resigning his post, because he is part of the 'good side' of the Libyan government and not part of the killing."

Now, I understand that just because you work for a jerk, it doesn't, ergo, make you a jerk by association; however, it is likely that Dabbashi and Aujali got their political positions only through political favors paid to Qaddafi or through familial connections.  This level of nepotism does speak, then, to the fact that these said politicians were well aware of Qaddafi's prior "crimes against humanity", as he had more than 40 years in which to commit them, and thus are complicit in his reign of terror.  

One could argue that these politicians were only accepting their posts in the fear that if they did not they would be considered traitorous and would be endangering themselves and their families.  While that may be partly true, to rise to the level of ambassador, you had to be pretty cozy with the Q-Man prior to your appointment.  Also, these guys were the spokespersons, the cheerleaders, if you will, of Qaddafi's policies and practices for years.  I'm sure in statements previous to the Libyan uprisings, Dabbashi's and Aujali's words were most complimentary and supportive of their great leader Qaddafi's ideas and actions.  

No matter how you slice it, you can't speak out of both sides of your mouth and not come off like a total hypocrite; a hypocrite who very much benefitted from Qaddafi's favor.  Thus, one can not have been a part of a despotic regime, and all at once, suddenly against it and "with the people".  The people of Libya deserve a clean-sweep, and that includes the sweeping out such self-serving turncoats as Dabbashi, Aujali and their ilk. 

Johnny McEntee's Trick Shots---Yeah, I Can Do That.

Well...if I was only a foot away from the intended target, that is.  Anyway, you've probably seen the amazing video of the UConn quarterback chucking the ball through a basketball hoop from 70 yards away and other such insane throws.  What some people find most amazing is that all of the throws are real. 

A report on Larry Brown Sports explains how over the course of six hours of shooting and three hours of editing, Johnny McEntee, the unassuming backup quarterback for UConn, executed all of the amazing throws on the video.  The aforementioned long shot basketball hoop throw took 20-30 minutes to hit, which led to much muscle soreness in his throwing shoulder. 

McEntee says that he's been working on these shots for years, and that just goes to show that practice can pay off.  Maybe we'll see him behind center for the Huskies come this football season?

 

WTF?!? Octopus picks Spain to beat the Netherlands in the World Cup Final.

A 2-year-old octopus named Paul that resides in a German aquarium has accurately picked all of Germany's victories and defeats in the 2010 World Cup soccer tournament.  This aquatic invertebrate makes his picks using the scientific method of opening a glass box containing food that has a country's flag affixed to it.  His lore has so grown to the point that some German television networks, in addition to networks in Spain, the Netherlands and elsewhere in Europe have opted to interrupt normal programming in order to broadcast Paul’s decision live. 

Needless to say, Paul's recent pick of Spain over the Netherlands had Spanish soccer fans in a buzz---in fact, the first true buzz they've had as a nation over an octopus that wasn't boiled, then garnished with paprika, rock salt and olive oil and called "pulpo a la Gallega".  German fans have been a bit less thrilled about Paul's accuracy, which has earned Germany a third-place finish in the tournament.  Some threats have even been levied towards this eight-legged creature.  However, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, Spain's prime minister, was quoted as saying, "I am concerned for the octopus…I am thinking of sending him a protective team.” 

If Spain does in fact beat the Netherlands on Sunday, Paul's stock will shoot through the roof.  In anticipation for such a potential windfall, this intelligent invertebrate has procured famed slimeball sports agent Drew Rosenhaus to help him navigate the treacherous waters of television network reality show offers.  Already Animal Planet has fielded an offer, as has TLC, weary about the prospects of Kate Plus Eight and her brand of self-conscious bitchiness.  As one TLC executive noted, "I think that a reality show featuring Paul the octopus would make people squirm less than watching a half-hour of Kate Gosselin screwin' up her kids' minds again." 

As if this craziness wasn't enough, the same porno company that put out a Tiger Woods-themed porno entitled "Tiger's Wood" is rushing a Paul the octopus-themed porno to DVD before the end of the month.  Working titles include:  "Eight Is Enough", "Inkin' the Hole", and "Octopussies".  In a related press-release, Paul's spokesperson said that Paul is considering a lawsuit against the pornographers and their Paul look-a-like octopus Gary. 

Only time will tell how this crazy sea-born saga will play out.  Who knows---maybe years from now a washed-up Paul the octopus will be hawking a few of his tentacles on EBay, hoping to make back some of the money he squandered on cocaine and callgirls. Keep tuned, folks.

Drill Baby Drill, Just Don't Spill Baby Spill!

Ah, yes...the phrase "Drill Baby Drill" first coined by current GOP Chairman Michael Steele at the 2008 Republican National Convention, and since championed and repeated (ad nauseum) by Sarah Palin lately leaves a slight oil-slick-like taste in conservatives' mouths as the BP oil leak disaster continues to spew hundreds of thousands of gallons of oil into the ocean every day.  Still, Palin refuses to stay silent and forges blindly ahead in an attempt to stay somewhat relevant, kind of like the Kardashians or Paris Hilton. 

On the "Fair and Balanced" "news" program Fox News Sunday, Palin clumsily tried to create some nefarious conspiracy theory in which Obama and his administration were dragging their feet on stopping the oil leak because they were in cahoots with each other.  Said the astute Palin: 

"...the oil companies who have so supported President Obama in his campaign...if there's any connection there to President Obama taking so doggone long to get in there, to dive in there, and grasp the complexity and the potential tragedy that we are seeing here in the Gulf of Mexico."

You can always count on Mrs. Palin to lay some real doozies and make some real stretches in logic.  And how about her uncanny ability to intertwine quaint colloquialisms with hard-hitting political analysis---who else could use the words "doggone" and "complexity" in the same sentence?  I dare you to find someone else---I DARE YOU!!!

Anyway, while it is true that then 2008 Presidential candidate Obama received more money from BP employees ($71,051) than did McCain ($36,649), McCain and Palin benefited much more from campaign donations from the oil industry than did Obama, to the tune of $2.4 million to Obama's $900,000.  Darn those pesky facts!  Really, money from the oil industry flows through our nation's capital as free as the oil spewing from BP's well a mile down in the ocean!  According to PolitiFact.com, "The industry spent $174 million lobbying Congress in 2009, ranking it behind only the pharmaceutical/health products industry and business associations."  And to further chip away at Palin's pebble of truth, the Center on Responsive Politics has noted that "as an industry, about three quarters of the oil and gas money has gone to Republicans since 1990."  Mmm...ain't truth a bitch, Sarah?

As to the criticism leveled at President Obama himself that he is not personally doing enough to stop the oil leak, I guess he should don his spandex suit and cape and fly a mile down under the ocean and seal off the well with his laser-beam eyes.  It's ironic how people rail against "BIG GOVERNMENT" when they try to solve a problem so astronomical that the average person cannot even fathom what the solution could be, such as the health-care and health insurance industry mess, for example, but when another problem so astronomical that the average person cannot even fathom what the solution could be, such as the oil spill, then they call on "BIG GOVERNMENT" to come save the day.  Newsflash, folks---the government actually has the political ability to create laws that will result in concrete changes to the health-care and health insurance industries because debating the merits of bills and allocating funds is their "thing".   Stopping oil from spewing a mile beneath the ocean's surface is not their "thing", got it? 

George Lods, a seafood wholesaler whose business is based right in the affected Gulf region, a man who has every reason to resort to emotional diatribes on "slow" governmental response, stands as one reasonable voice amidst the clamor and political rhetoric surrounding this man-made environmental debacle.  I leave you with his sage wisdom:

"My personal opinion, I think they (the government) are doing what they are capable of doing. They probably could do a little bit more. But BP and Transocean, that was their rig, that was their business, just like this is my business. If something happens here, I'm responsible for it. The government can only do so much. They didn't drill the well. They can't stop it. That is not their expertise...I think it is his (Obama's) responsibility to see that BP and that we do everything we can to clean up this mess. But the president didn't make the oil well blow. The government really...doesn't know what to do.  The people that are in the oil field business know what to do, and they can tell the government, hey, we need this and we need that. But the government is not in the shrimping business either. They can't tell the shrimpers how to go catch shrimp. I don't think they can tell BP how to clean it up, because that is not the government's job."

Team Payroll Disparities: Another reason why I hate Major League Baseball

What, you ask, is the first reason why I hate Major League Baseball?  It's incredibly boring.  I'd sooner watch a competitive eating contest or a dog show than subject myself to the droll undertaking that is purported to be "America's Game" (wait---isn't football "America's Game"?).

Anyways, another thing I cannot stand about the "Majors" is the incredible disparity between the "haves" and the "have-nots".  Basically, in the absence of a salary cap (and thus, the absence of even the semblance of true competitiveness among the 30 teams in the league), teams without filthy-stinking-rich owners have essentially no chance to win the World Series, let alone get into the playoffs. 

The Associated Press figured out the payrolls of the 30 teams for the 2010 season and, lo and behold, the New York friggin' Yankees came in at the top spot with a payroll of $206 million!  Believe it or not, they actually went a bit over the $200 million "budget" that the Steinbrenner boys and GM Brian (no pun intended) Cashman had set prior to this season.  Oopsies! 

Who's in second place?  Hmmm...the Tampa Bay Rays?  No...the Washington Nationals? Nope.  I know it'll be a big shock, but in second place with a payroll of $162 million dollars are the (gasp!) Boston Red Sox! 

How inspiring.  I feel like sticking my head in a piranha-filled fish tank to help dull the pain of hearing all of the ridiculous hype that occurs whenever the Yankees and the Red Sox play each other---especially in the World Series.  Heck, is there even a World Series when the Yankees or the Red Sox are not in it?  God knows I can't wait till the Yankees win their 28th World Series!  I don't know about you, but appearing in 40 out of the 105 World Series is just not fucking enough for me! I'm Jonesin' for more!

The Yankees are the Walmart of baseball, so I guess that would make the Red Sox Target.  They are brands that are so eagerly snatched off of hat racks and hangers nationwide in a propaganda-induced frenzy of blind devotion (and consumerism) to the point where you can put 100 fine American citizens in a room, and at least a third, if not half of these folks will either be wearing some Yankees or Red Sox apparel, or are fans of the said teams.  Try this---stand somewhere crowded and randomly ask people two questions:  1)  Did you shop at Walmart or Target in the past week? and 2) do you like either the Yankees or the Red Sox?  Tally up the yays and the nays.  You'll be surprised at the utter homogenization of the people around you.  It's like that scene in Pink Floyd's The Wall where all the kids have the same faces and fall off the conveyor belt into the meat grinder. 

So...in other sports news, the Pittsburgh Pirates just got blown out by the Milwaukee Brewers 20 to 0.  Yes, the score was TWENTY to fucking ZERO.  That's the worst loss in team history; and we're talking about a team that's been around since 1891!  This once-proud franchise that has 5 World Series wins and 9 pennants under its belt just got got simultaneously wedgied and swirlied in front of entire nation.  That's just fucking horrible.  Did they even get a hit?  Y'know what's even more horrible?  The fact that this team, whose payroll of $34 million---which is dead-last in the league---has not been to the playoffs since the 1992 season when they had (pre-steriods?) Barry Bonds and Bobby Bonilla.  They haven't had a winning season in 17 years!  And I've got the inside-dope for ya---they're going to have another losing season this year as well! 

$206 million payroll vs. $34 million payroll.  One of these teams will end up in the playoffs, possibly in the World Series.  The other one will end up in the gutter like a dead rat.  One's the fat cat, the other's the rat.  Guess which is which.       

Louise Slaughter threatened with her namesake

Health Care Reform has been an emotional issue, and due to high emotions, not an altogether rational one.  One way to temper the irrational fears born of relentless fearmongering by various conservative groups, such as the "Teabaggers", is to present cold, hard facts to the contrary.  On one hand, examine the fact that 1 in 6 (46.3 million) Americans are uninsured, and of that number, 8 in 10 are members of working families---not "freeloaders" as many have argued.  Also, according to a Time magazine report, "Eighty percent of those without health insurance are native-born or naturalized citizens. However, immigrants are more likely to be uninsured than legal residents. Racial minorities are also disproportionately represented; about one-third of Hispanics and one-fifth of blacks go without insurance, compared with 13% of whites."  This disproportionate representation and the largely white conservative backlash against Health Care Reform certainly could lead one to draw the conclusion that the ruling white majority is doing what it can to preserve the power balance that it currently enjoys, and that many in the majority fear that any change in health care equity will further tip the scales of equality in the favor of minority classes.  As Arsenio Hall used to say, "Things that make you go 'Hmm...' ".

Anyway, how discouraging it was to learn that a few extreme Health Care Reform opponents took to throwing a brick through the window of the Democratic Headquarters in Rochester, NY and also through the window of Democratic Congresswoman Louise Slaughter's Niagara Falls office.  Affixed to the brick thrown through Slaughter's window was a note that read "Exremism [sic] in the defense of liberty is no vice".  Um, learn how to spell, douche bag.  Mike Vanderboegh, author of the conservative Alabama-based blog Sipsey Street Irregulars (no link provided, thank you), said in a telephone interview with WHAM News 13 out of Rochester, NY:  "I’m advocating broken windows. I’m advocating vandalism...Wake up and understand what is happening in this country. You need to start listening to people who you think you didn't have to pay any attention to, because sooner or later they will get your attention".  Brick-by-brick, I guess.  Well, this brickhead is claiming that he was the inspiration for the incidents that occurred in New York State, as well as similar incidents that occurred in Tucson and Kansas.  Hey---there's a proud legacy to leave to your children.  Um, if you don't already have any offspring, Mike---don't spawn, alright?

To make matters worse for Louise Slaughter, there was a recent voicemail left at her campaign headquarters that advocated "assassination" "toward the children of lawmakers who voted yes."  Ironic how Slaughter, who championed a bill that would help preserve human life is herself being threatened with death, as are the innocent children of like-minded legislators.  Highly illogical, captain. 

But geez, I sure can understand how utterly enraged opponents to the Health Care Reform bill must be when they consider the fact that this bill would now make it illegal for health insurance companies to deny people coverage based on what they consider to be "pre-existing conditions", such as domestic abuse, for one.  Ah, the injustices of this reform!  The humanity! 

Maybe some people should consider grabbing a brick and knocking some sense into their own heads; how's that sound?

 

WTF?!? Waterboarding for Toddlers?

Joshua Tabor, and Army sergeant who served 15 months in Iraq, was recently arrested for and confessed to waterboarding his 4 year-old daughter for refusing to recite her ABCs after being forced to practice them for three hours straight.  Tabor told investigators that he was concerned that his daughter was "behind mentally for where she should be for her age," and that "his purpose was to punish her by putting her in the water because he knows she is afraid of it and he wanted her to cooperate."  He then added that "She said her letters after that."  Well, you showed her what for, big man!

Upon questioning, the daughter confirmed that "Daddy was upset becuase she wouldn't say her letters" and waterboarded her as a result of her refusal.  As to the torturous event itself, she related how "It was hot! The water was hot!  I told him I would say my letters then!"  In true toddler fashion, amidst the horror of the fact that she was being repeatedly dunked in the sink, one of the things she focused on was the fact that "My heart shirt got wet."  Well, I think a fitting punishment for this scumbag Tabor is to get waterboarded and then to have his heart ripped out, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom style!

Former vice-president Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment on the matter, though I wonder if he would consider Mr. Tabor's methods to be "enhanced interrogation techniques", or is it torture only when its victims are considered to be a "terrorist" or an "enemy combatant"---ie.: male, from the Middle-East, Muslim, etc.? 

Vancouver Olympic Opening Ceremonies: The Beauty of Imperfection

There was a good reason for the sweat on Wayne Gretzky's upper lip and for the wider-than-wide "what the fuck is going on" shit-eating grin on Steve Nash's face as they stood in the center of the indoor Olympic stadium waiting for the Olympic Cauldron to rise from the stadium floor.  Ahem, I said, "To rise from the stadium floor!"  Um...is something wrong?

When three giant pillars that resembled ice shards emerged from the floor, with the main cauldron itself rising in the center, it became readily apparent that the fourth pillar had malfunctioned and was not going to be making an appearance.  Nope, there was no hiding this kind of snafu.  I'm sure the creative director responsible for this spectacle was furiously pushing buttons and pulling levers behind the scenes, and, after changing his pants, slowly resigned himself to the fact that things were not going to go as planned and just said, "Fuck it." 

Hey, the way I look at it, you have to give these folks a pass.  The opening ceremonies were stunning and classy, complete with some truly poignant moments, like when there was a minute of silence for the Georgian luge slider who was killed when he had lost control of his sled during a test run and was hurled into the railing at 95 miles an hour.  You could have heard a pin drop in that stadium of 60,000 people as the Canadian and Olympic flags were lowered to half-mast in honor of the fallen athlete. 

So what if one of the pillars didn't work?  If anything, I feel that the fallen pillar was a fitting, albeit unintentional symbol for the fallen Georgian athlete.  Also, I think that the malfunction and the death of the Georgian athlete prove that things do not always go as planned, and that sometimes you have to just carry on with things as they are, because that's as good as it's going to get at the moment.  In that spirit, the assembled torchbearers gathered together to light the Olympic Cauldron in unison, even though it was not in its fully-intended form.  Also in the spirit of carrying on in the face of adversity, the remaining Georgian athletes, who had considered going home after their shocking tragedy, collectively decided to compete in this year's games to honor not only their fallen comrade, but also the Olympic spirit.

Kudos to the people of Canada and the world for a great opening ceremony.  I can only hope that this mix of mishaps and moments of near-perfection will remind all of us that we all are imperfect, but in recognizing this reality, we can still strive to be the best we can be in all that we do in life.  GO OLYMPICS!!!