Plastic In the Afterlife

When you stoopid, you stoopid...

Jesse Parsons, 25, of Spencerport, NY was sentenced to 5 1/2 years in prison for attacking a gay man in a Spencerport bar back in March of 2008.  That March night, Parsons was heard directing gay slurs at Lance Neve, 26, and his partner, and when Neve turned to leave the bar, Parsons, like all brave souls, came up behind Neves, knocking him unconscious, and beating him mercilessly while on the ground.  Originally, Parsons faced up to 15 years for committing a hate crime, but had plead down to a second-degree assault, a felony, and was given a 4 year sentence.  The original leniency was due in part to the fact that the victim, Lance Neve, took pity on Parsons and his family.

Well, all that went out the window when at his sentencing in November, Parsons came out and said to the judge that, “I didn't mean to hurt Lance as bad as I did, but he did deserve what he got."  The judge promptly laid down the lumber and pulled Parsons' original plea deal, letting him stand trial again, possibly facing the full 15 years.  Parsons' attorney, Mark Young, asked the judge to rethink his quick rescinding of Parsons' plea, and then promptly said to his client, "A dumbass says 'What?' "  Well, you know what Parsons' reply was.

The end result of this was an extra year and a half tacked onto his original 4-year plea, and Parsons will have to pay more than $24,000 in Neve's medical expenses, as well as be subject to post-release supervision.  While Parsons may not have received the 15-year sentence he deserved, it just goes to show how one's own stupidity can be one's ultimate undoing, which is the sweetest form of justice. 

Meanwhile at the state pennitentiary, Big Bubba, Parsons' future roomate, is preparing for Parsons' arrival by reading up on the Karma Sutra (for ideas) and creating a list of "shower buddies" to make sure Parsons has someone to loofa his back and soap him down while behind bars.  Hey, if the jailhouse is a-rockin', don't come a-knocking!    

Credit Card Reform Act of 2009: A victory for the NRA?!?

We live in a consumer society, and for years politicians have practically played up being a slave to capitalism as being your patriotic duty.  The ironic thing is that instead of the rallying cry of "Buy American!", they might as well be saying "Buy Chinese!", since every bit of plastic crap people snatch eagerly off Walmart shelves comes from our neighbors from the Far East, but whatever.  In a climate of unchecked spending, Americans have dug their own holes of debt, with credit cards companies handing us the shovels with which to bury ourselves. 

In response to the usurous practices of credit card companies, Congress recently passed the Credit Cardholders' Bill of Rights Act of 2009 in order to stop said practices and protect consumers from getting hoodwinked.  Looks great; that is, save for that pesky small print. 

You see, there are some strange bedfellows one must commune with when trying to get a bill passed, and this bill's paramours were Oklahoma's Republican Senator Tom Coburn and the National Rifle Association.  He, along with fellow Republicans and the more conservative elements of the Democratic Party, introduced a provision into the bill that allows owners of licensed firearms to bring them into national parks and wildlife refuges, as long as they are allowed to do so by state law.  Said Senator Coburn, “The Federal laws should make it clear that the second amendment rights of an individual at a unit of the National Park System or the National Wildlife Refuge System should not be infringed." 

Gee, thanks, Tom.  So, the next time I'm out camping with my family, do I have to worry that some cowboy from Oklahoma's going to pop a cap in my ass when I'm sitting around the campfire roasting some marshmallows?  Why the hell are totally unrelated provisions even allowed to be tacked onto bills?  So, just in the interest of securing the necessary votes to pass the bill, liberal Democrats have to pander not only to the Republicans, and to the more conservative elements of their own party, but also to the NRA?  Said California Senator Barbara Boxer, "It's a shame, but you have to come to a realization around here that at this point in time, the NRA gets the votes."  Aw, shoot!  So, I should give you a pass on this one, eh, Miss Boxer?  This is yet another reason to not trust our elected officials.  Even though the promise of change still rings in my ears from Obama's successful election, the truth of the matter is that practices like this will continue to go on.  Where's the outraged cries of Americans over this matter?  Well, they're too busy texting and shutting themselves off from the world by permenantly planting thier ear buds into their earholes to even notice crap like this.  

Well, I guess if you can't beat 'em, join 'em---I'm packin' my AK-47 when I go camping this summer.  It's going to be a BLAST!

Hell has frozen over

On Monday Dick Cheney gave his support of gay marriage and expressed his belief that "people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish. Any kind of arrangement they wish."  He does not, however, favor federal legislation to make this a reality, but approves of states making the decision.  6 states have legalized gay marriage, with New Hampshire making it official earlier this week.  Of course, Cheney's gay daughter Mary Cheney has had some influence in swaying her father's opinion, revealing that Dick Cheney does, in fact, have a heart...a cold, stony heart, but a heart nonetheless.  Weird thing is, now Cheney has one area of his life in which he is more liberal than Obama!   

Well, I guess I'd better make my last will and testament, because evidently the world is coming to an end soon.  And if not, then when my state approves of gay marriage, I can fulfill my dream of marrying my pet cat, which would confirm conservatives' long-standing fear that the legalization of gay marriage would lead to a disintegration of social mores, including rampant beastiality and the like.   

Long-Ass Words

There's a lake in Webster, Massachusettes that the residents refer to as Webster Lake, but the original name of the lake is Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, which is a Native American word that means "The Boundary Fishing Place---Neutral Meeting Ground".  This lake was used by the Narragansetts, the Pequots, the Mohegans, and the Nipmucks, who assembled for their peace conferences and for some good 'ol fashioned fishing.  There was a recent controversy when a know-it-all tourist pointed out that there was a misspelling on the town's sign, and it had to be repainted.  All's I know is that I've got to get me a t-shirt with this 45-letter marvel on it!

There are other long words in the English language, some of which can be found in the dictionary, and others that cannot, mainly because of their length or because of their validity as an actual word.  Of course, people always like to rattle off Antidisestablishmentarianism as the longest word, but there are far longer words than this.  Take, for instance Floccinaucinihilipilification, which edges out the latter word by one letter (29 letters!).  Or how about Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism (30 letters), or Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters), or Lopado...pterygon, which rounds out at 183 letters!  The champion word of all is Methionylthreonylthreonyl...isoleucine, which is the technical term for the largest known protein and contains 189,819 letters!  Try saying that...once.