Plastic In the Afterlife

WTF?!? Octopus picks Spain to beat the Netherlands in the World Cup Final.

A 2-year-old octopus named Paul that resides in a German aquarium has accurately picked all of Germany's victories and defeats in the 2010 World Cup soccer tournament.  This aquatic invertebrate makes his picks using the scientific method of opening a glass box containing food that has a country's flag affixed to it.  His lore has so grown to the point that some German television networks, in addition to networks in Spain, the Netherlands and elsewhere in Europe have opted to interrupt normal programming in order to broadcast Paul’s decision live. 

Needless to say, Paul's recent pick of Spain over the Netherlands had Spanish soccer fans in a buzz---in fact, the first true buzz they've had as a nation over an octopus that wasn't boiled, then garnished with paprika, rock salt and olive oil and called "pulpo a la Gallega".  German fans have been a bit less thrilled about Paul's accuracy, which has earned Germany a third-place finish in the tournament.  Some threats have even been levied towards this eight-legged creature.  However, Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, Spain's prime minister, was quoted as saying, "I am concerned for the octopus…I am thinking of sending him a protective team.” 

If Spain does in fact beat the Netherlands on Sunday, Paul's stock will shoot through the roof.  In anticipation for such a potential windfall, this intelligent invertebrate has procured famed slimeball sports agent Drew Rosenhaus to help him navigate the treacherous waters of television network reality show offers.  Already Animal Planet has fielded an offer, as has TLC, weary about the prospects of Kate Plus Eight and her brand of self-conscious bitchiness.  As one TLC executive noted, "I think that a reality show featuring Paul the octopus would make people squirm less than watching a half-hour of Kate Gosselin screwin' up her kids' minds again." 

As if this craziness wasn't enough, the same porno company that put out a Tiger Woods-themed porno entitled "Tiger's Wood" is rushing a Paul the octopus-themed porno to DVD before the end of the month.  Working titles include:  "Eight Is Enough", "Inkin' the Hole", and "Octopussies".  In a related press-release, Paul's spokesperson said that Paul is considering a lawsuit against the pornographers and their Paul look-a-like octopus Gary. 

Only time will tell how this crazy sea-born saga will play out.  Who knows---maybe years from now a washed-up Paul the octopus will be hawking a few of his tentacles on EBay, hoping to make back some of the money he squandered on cocaine and callgirls. Keep tuned, folks.

"Smart" is the new Stupid.

 For a while there, it seemed that you couldn't turn your head without seeing the word "Green" or the prefix "Eco" attached to some product or company.  Now it appears that being "SMART" is all the vogue.  We've got "Smart Checking" available at pretty much every bank chain, "Smart Talk" for cell phone companies, "Smart Savings" available at area retailers, "Smart Cars", etc.  It's as if the advertising executives at every company are just mailing their jobs in these days, slapping "SMART" on everything, and then zipping out to the golf course to make their tee time.  Evidently originality is no longer  "SMART".

One of the worst violators is IBM with thier "Smart Growth" campaign that promises "smart ideas" for  "smarter cities" with "smarter transportation", "smarter policing and emergency response", "smarter power and water management" and "smarter governance" that will ultimately lead to a "smarter planet". 

Shit.  I'd better join Mensa before all of this smartness wears off.

Crazy religious shit.

   If someone directed you to the site chick.com, you'd probably think they were peddling some lascivious site with scantily-clad ladies of ill repute.  Oh, if   only that were the case.  You see, Chick Publications, Inc. is actually a Protestant fundamentalist organization that puts out all those crazy little religious comic books that fanatics screaming on street corners hand out to passersby, or leave in public places like bathroom stalls.  These wacko "cartoon tracts" are designed to deride evils like the Roman Catholic Church, Islam, homosexuality, Halloween, Dungeons & Dragons, and many other perceived evils that founder Jack T. Chick disagrees with, and to shock readers into converting to Christianity.  My personal favorite is the tract entitled "Fairy Tales", in which a boy's parents tell him insidious lies like the tooth fairy, Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus exist.  One day some of his classmates tell him that there is no Santa Claus and that his parents lied to him, so this enraged 8-year-old promptly kills the two offending boys.  Ho, ho, ho, bitches!  Then while in juvenile hall, he strangles his cellmate to death!  After being released from prison at the age of 18, the boy ends up on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List for unnamed heinous crimes, and his picture appears right next to none other than Osama Frickin' Bin  Laden!  Long story short, the kid is eventually executed without ever repenting.  Burn motherfucka, burn!

You may have also come across these crazy mailings from Saint Matthew's Churches, which is a mail-based ministry run by a former tent minister who made his fortune writing religious fundraising letters that promise personal gain and financial rewards if the recipient of the letter mails back some moolah.  The organization earned $6 million a month in 2007, which founder James Eugene "Gene" Ewing puts to good use furnishing his $2.2 million, 6,400-square-foot home above Beverly Hills.  Wait---before you become indignant over this seeming extravagance, understand that Ewing only bought the house to "glorify God".  The letter I received from Ewing's organization even included testimonials from believers (a.k.a.- stoopid dickwads) who attributed their financial gain to divine influence.  For instance, "A.H.W" from New Jersey writes "[the Lord] blessed me with exactly $3,000."  Hey "A.W.H.", are scratch-off tickets in the Garden State considered to be instruments of "[the Lord]"?  "A.B." from Tennessee writes "...The Lord financially blessed me with a sum of money in the amount of $10,390.32...May God bless you all forever."  Is that before or after taxes?   And finally, "A.P.", also from Tennessee (which evidently is a favorite hangout for God and Son) writes "I will receive $24,750.00...May God bless you all..."  Yeah, that is if that embezzlement scheme goes off without a hitch.

It's crazy shit like this that is causing an increasingly secularized nation to gravitate further towards a state of disbelief.  In the meantime, don't go lying to your kid about Santa Claus, lest you spawn the next Charles Manson or something.

 

                    

The true price of smoking

New Hampshire resident Josh Muszynski bought a pack of cigarettes with his debit card at a gas station and went on his merry way.  When he checked his balance later on he noticed a slight oddity--- a $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars) charge for said cigarettes.  To add insult to injury, he was also charged a $15 overdraft fee by Bank of America. 

There's yet another reason to quit smoking.

Long-Ass Words

There's a lake in Webster, Massachusettes that the residents refer to as Webster Lake, but the original name of the lake is Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, which is a Native American word that means "The Boundary Fishing Place---Neutral Meeting Ground".  This lake was used by the Narragansetts, the Pequots, the Mohegans, and the Nipmucks, who assembled for their peace conferences and for some good 'ol fashioned fishing.  There was a recent controversy when a know-it-all tourist pointed out that there was a misspelling on the town's sign, and it had to be repainted.  All's I know is that I've got to get me a t-shirt with this 45-letter marvel on it!

There are other long words in the English language, some of which can be found in the dictionary, and others that cannot, mainly because of their length or because of their validity as an actual word.  Of course, people always like to rattle off Antidisestablishmentarianism as the longest word, but there are far longer words than this.  Take, for instance Floccinaucinihilipilification, which edges out the latter word by one letter (29 letters!).  Or how about Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism (30 letters), or Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters), or Lopado...pterygon, which rounds out at 183 letters!  The champion word of all is Methionylthreonylthreonyl...isoleucine, which is the technical term for the largest known protein and contains 189,819 letters!  Try saying that...once.

Obama slays (mostly Republicans) at the White House Correspondents Dinner

I think President Obama has a future in stand-up comedy after his term is up.  Obama laid down the laugh-inducing lumber at the recent White House Correspondents Dinner.  One of his opening jokes was how "All of you voted for me...apologies to the Fox table."  He remarked how his wife, Michelle, has the "Right to bare arms", as a reference to the recent attention her well-toned sleeveless appendages have been receiving in the press.  He gave a "shout out" to GOP Chairman Michael Steele, by saying that Steele was "in the house tonight, or as he would say 'In the heezey'."  To that Obama then added, "Whazzup?"  He then told Steele that "The Republican Party does not qualify for a bailout" and that "Rush Limbaugh does not count as a troubled asset."  Obama even ripped on those in his administration, saying of former rival Hillary Clinton that she had wooed Senator Arlen Specter away from the Republican party by whispering to him, "Arlen, you know what I always say, 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.'" 

Perhaps my favorite quip of the night was when Obama said that Dick Cheney was supposed to be in attendance, but he was busy working on his memoirs, "tentatively titled 'How to Shoot Friends and Interrogate People' ".  Now, maybe that's the "Slam Dunk" former CIA Director George Tenet was referring to!

     

Porno goes "Green"

First of all, put away those tissues---you won't need them---that is, unless it is to sop up the tears of laughter you cry as you watch Isabella Rossellini's artsy vignettes entitled Green Porno.  Green Porno is basically a bunch of internet shorts available on Sundance Channel's website that deal with the sex lives of insects (season one) and of sea creatures (season two). 

I must say, from the goofy and amateurish costumes to the whimsical descriptions of these organisms' sexual escapades, I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face.  Rossellini perfectly understands the advantages and limitations of her internet medium, all episodes of which were intended to be downloaded onto cell phones and i-pods, and she teases us with just enough innocent, yet lascivious humor, where our appetites have been whetted, but we are left wanting more.  So, I guess the real "money shot" here is Rossellini's child-like exuberance for her unique and often strange subject matter.  Enjoy.

Barack Obama's going to "Play It Cool".

Comedians everywhere are lamenting the loss of such mockable figures as Bush and Cheney, and are scrambling to find ways to find something funny about Barack Obama.  While Bush had his malapropisms and Cheney had his "assholeness", Obama is a largely sedate and pragmatic speaker who actually consciously chooses his words before they leave his lips (imagine that!).  Of course, there's always the issue of race and what non-African-American comedians will be able to say without eliciting automatic accusations of racism from the African-American community.  Larry Wilmore, the self-described "senior black correspondent" on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart offers the following ray of hope: "People just can't be afraid of offending because he is black — he is half white, and you can always make fun of that."

If there's any comedian who seems to be finding a foothold, it's Saturday Night Live's Fred Armisen, the Hispanic-Asian-American comedian who does a pretty dead-on impression of Barack Obama.  In a recent sketch, Armisen plays up the "No Drama Obama" angle of our new President in a hilarious sketch entitled "Obama Plays It Cool"---check it out!  

 

President Bush---Helping Americans Sound Stupid for Eight Years.

With less than a week to mock out President Bush, comedians everywhere are scrambling to find  something funny about the largely sedate and well-spoken Obama.  As tragic as the last eight years have been under the Bush/Cheney regime, boy, has there been much fodder for satire!  I guess if you don't want to cry, you laugh.  Anyway, here's some good Bushisms (from a store of thousands):

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." 
       ---September 2000 at an event in Michigan

"Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?"
       ---January 2000 at a campaign event in South Carolina

"They misunderestimated the compassion of our country.  I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the comander in chief too."
       ---September 2001 in Langley, Va.

"There's an old saying in Tenessee---I know it's in Texas, probably in Tenessee--that says, fool me once, shame on---shame on you.  Fool me---you can't get fooled again."
       ---September 2002 in Nashville, Tennessee

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we.  They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
       ---August 2004 at the signing ceremony for a new defense spending bill

"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job."
       ---September 2005 in Gulfport, Mississippi

"I can't wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs."
       ---September 2005, meeting with residents of Poplarville, Mississippi after Hurricane Katrina

"It was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.  After all, 60 years we were at war 60 years ago we were at war."
       ---June 2006, at the White House, where Bush met with the Japanese Prime Minister

"Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction.  Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit."
       ---September 2007, in Sydney Australia, at the APEC summit

"Thank you, Your Holiness.  Awesome speech."
       ---April 2008, at a ceremony welcoming Pope Benedict XVI to the White House

"The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine.  And when somebody makes a machine, it means there's jobs at the machine-making place."
       ---May 2008 in Mesa, Arizona

"This thaw---took a while to thaw, it's good to take a while to unthaw."

     ---October 2008 in Alexandria, Louisiana, as he discussed the economy and frozen credit markets.

I bite your thumb at you!

A fight breaks out between the Capulets and the Montagues in William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet because someone bit their thumb at their rival, which was a horrible insult, much like giving someone the finger nowadays. 

Well, Jarkko Ruutu of the Ottawa Senators got in a scuffle with Buffalo Sabres' enforcer Andrew Peters and bit through the glove of Peters, right into his thumb!  Can anyone say "Mike Tyson"?  Anyway, this type of action basically breaks the "code of the tough guy" in hockey, basically relegating Ruutu to pussyville.  He also rewrote the famous opening fight scene of Romeo & Juliet wherein now it's not someone biting their thumb at someone else, but rather, he's biting someone else's thumb at themselves!